If you still have feelings for your ex, that doesnt mean you should talk to your ex and get your hopes up. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? In the abuse survivor community, this type of behavior is known as "hoovering." They want to hear it from you directly. So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. Getting back together with an ex years later is possible. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. If you were in an abusive relationship, the best thing to do when your ex reaches out is not to respond. I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. But if youre reconnecting with an ex after 10 years or so, they might be texting you out of a sense of nostalgia and friendliness. He agreed. Stay out of contact with him, Al. she also said as a married woman, an affair would be devastating and destructive. After a few weeks of talking, take the plunge and suggest the two of you meet face-to-face. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. Think about your life right now. That usually means theyve contacted you for some companionship and not for anything serious. They may sincerely hope to reconnect with you and get back together even though it might not look like that on the surface. I think she just wanted to test the waters for a while since she missed you. You dont owe anyone an explanation for not responding. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. In fact, it can help minimize our own sense of anxiety. Politely rejecting his invitation to meet up was mature and respectful to all parties involved. Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. I don't think it's reciprocated on my end & I thought not replying would prevent another attempt to be honest. It was interesting seeing him again. I think that she would really appreciate hearing that and she deserves it. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. They broke up in 2007 because Prince William thought he was too young to be in such a serious relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth. Acknowledge it. I'd been warm and affectionate with him, but except during sex (we were each others first), I never said I loved him. On a bitter note, they couldnt handle the happy, successful life you are leading. The most common reason your ex-girlfriend will reach out to ask how you are doing is to make sure you are doing okay because she still cares about you, and loves you as a person. One impulsive move can shatter everything. Hi Zan, I've talked to him a few times and it just seemed like he needed to remember happy times for a bit. Your ex didnt treat you very well when you were together, and to top it off, they dumped you and never looked back. But just because it's possible, it doesn't mean that it will happen on your terms. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. So before you take your ex back, make sure your ex wants you for you and not just because your ex can benefit from you and rely on you emotionally. His entire purpose was to find out truth from me. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. Let me know what your plans are in the comments below. If thats the case, theres no harm in having a casual conversation. If your ex and you had a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship, do you think bringing that back into your life is a healthy decision? Granted, I was also really young comparatively (mid-twenties) and I didn't understand that closure comes from yourself, not another person (I had a really wonderful therapist help me work through this paradigm-shift). And that I kind of think he shouldn't have stayed married if he wanted to pursue polyamory, because of what it did to his wife? However, video calls are especially meaningful when someone is totally isolated or when grandkids or more than one person is at one end of the phone. I'll just say I've never seen it work out super well in real life (or, it's worked out but in a way where the ex wasn't actually needed for closure). Now, she wants to meet for coffee and I cant resist myself because I still need that closure. What is their intention? I'm not annoyed by it, I just don't understand if it makes sense? My husband gave me the grace to get extremely needed closure with him. A whopping 62 percent of married folks in her study wound up having an affair with their ex even though they didn't reach out to them with any such plan in mind. But some people are lucky enough to meet that one person who accepts everything about them. So, be a good human being and talk about it to your partner. When an ex contact you years after the breakup, your ex wants to get something from you. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. They could have seen something on social media and became unable to stop thinking about you. When an ex suddenly gets in touch with you out of the blue, it can be a confusing and frustrating situation. The next thing you know, youre back in an unhealthy relationship because you were enticed by a moment of weakness. When an ex contacts you years later, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it, says Jaseena, If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, youre probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text. Until that happens, you dont do anything. Closure takes effort and patience, and sometimes, the wounds wont heal with an explanation. You are busy. Why did they have to reappear when things were just about to get fine? thoughts like these come and go, wrecking your peace of mind. He'd already tried to reach out to me a couple times, but I wasn't ready. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Curiosity mainly. He contacted me on the exact date we broke up 4 years ago in february. "You can't compare the person who you experienced a first or early love with to someone who you've had a deep abiding love with for many years through the course of a . There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. He mentioned catching up and I respectfully declined, immediately established the limit. If the dumper realizes your worth, he or she could learn to respect you again and make you into the most valuable person in his or her life. There was a lot of love in your dynamic before, and that may have turned to affection and warmth. You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. I saw them looking around. No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. Maybe your ex has actually stopped being an emotionally abusive person. Society typically tells us that people don't change. Advertisement. When were scared, we long for the familiar, and right now, many of us are afraid or concerned in ways that we havent been before ever in our lives. Do exes come back after leaving for someone else? So, they are back to mess with your head, bring back all the memories, and stomp your progress in the healing process. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. Why Are My Exs Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me? Now that theyre dealing with issues concerning the things only you know about, theyve got no one else to turn to. Many years have passed since you were together, so naturally, youve matured and changed quite a bit. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. After a breakup, Bird said, some people just need "an emotional cutoff and want to remove all evidence of their ex from their life.". I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. But he wasn't thrilled about it, but we all agreed to never meet in person. It was just a very strong intuition, and one that was "confirmed" when he'd shown up at that beach thing, even though the rational part of my mind said I couldn't really "know" that, and that it probably wasn't likely. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. By the looks of it, you dont have a lot of respect for her, so you want to keep moving on without her. Absolutely nothing, your ex doesnt have an ulterior motive. You are about to put a lot at stake here. That way, even if you break up with your partner and get back together with your ex, at least you gave them a heads-up. While you tactfully avoid tapping on the notification, it can throw your whole mojo off-balance. Takeaway It's when an ex reaches out just to get something from you and then disappears. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. I dont care why youre reaching out now. My ex contacted me after 10 + years. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. Unfortunately her apology still seemed to blame a heap of her guilt on me. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. Why Did My Ex Unfriend Me But Not Block Me? ), I reached out 1-2 weeks ago (2-years later), got no response. It was so dumb, just irrational avoidance and not being ready yetThe five-year gap was apparently not enough, lol. When you receive a response to Why did you reach out, discern if your ex means what he or she says by paying attention to your exs attitude. There is simply no need to reconnect with him now that youre married and doing well. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. 6. But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. With the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert, lets figure out what you can do to cope with this mysterious text your ex has sent. Another reason why your ex contacts you suddenly after so long might be because they are struggling with their feelings alone. Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. An ex suddenly reaching out after they broke up with you can be very confusing. I had an ex reaching out to me after 4 years, he left me for someone else but never owned up to it after the breakup, but I knew and so did many of our friends. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. But at the same time, youre curious as to why they are reaching out. When an ex contacts you years later, you need to focus on why they became your ex in the first place. The next time was about 5 years after that. And if you are in a serious relationship, it is always better to loop your partner in on the little developments on the ex-front. But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. Your ex could just come back to patch his or her wounds and take you for granted again. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. Perhaps they feel genuinely guilty about hurting you so badly and cant find their peace until you forgive them. My ex reached out to me about 15 years after we broke up. We dated about 8 years ago and he reached out around the 5 year mark. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that . No matter how you both ended things, try not to respond to the text immediately, even if its a lazy Saturday afternoon and your only entertainment is your cat licking her own fur. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. So, we have jotted down these 8 points for you to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text. Additionally, if youre getting back with your ex because youre lonely, that may not be a good idea either. People change over time, relationships shift, and priorities and interests shift as well. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Until you reach 41 weeks, your provider may not do anything unless there are problems. But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. We welcome the Reddit community to elicit opinions on a variety of matters from our community of women ages 30 and up. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Is there any ulterior motive? It will save you a lot of unnecessary fights in the future. He or she needed these things so that life (especially health and well-being) could go back to the way they were prior to getting hurt and reaching out for support. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else? Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. When this no-contact situation casts its shadows on your ex, they will look for opportunities to get in touch with you. Although you had problems when you were together, you always worked it out and were happy. In your mind, it's been a while since you broke up, and in the meantime, it feels like a lot of water has passed under the bridge. After the X Date, the Treasury would be unable to pay about 40% of its bills, BPC said, based on an analysis of daily cash flows. So if youre figuring out what to do if an ex contacts you after years, the first thing you should do is figure out how well you have healed., Talking about how texts from her ex ended up wreaking havoc in her life, Rebecca, a teacher from Michigan, shares, My ex got married but still contacts me and my current partner couldnt be angrier about it. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. 1. I am still not sure if its a good idea. I told him I am married now. And if they dont like what they see, they will start missing you. You are following it religiously cutting off all contact with your ex. It could mean that your ex received forgiveness, validation, or that he or she eased curiosity. Naturally, it can make your exes come back when you stop caring. He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me. Tell him, "thanks for calling, hope he is having a good life". One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. Part of the need to re-connect is driven by the ambiguous threat of the pandemic and, practically speaking, part of it is likely due to the greater number of hours of alone time that we may feel the need to fillto get our minds off our own circumstances, in some cases, and focus on something more positive, or at least feel like were doing something to support someone else. It really depends on a number of circumstances such as the cause of your breakup, whether your ex has moved on completely or not, if your ex hates you or has no bad feelings towards you. The expectations are usually running wild when you have not moved on completely. It was like a weight lifted. What role are they going to play? It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. Anyways, the first time we broke up (friendship) was 2017. Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. He'd tried to reach out to me a couple times after the break-up. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. But if youre with someone else and feel happy, you can respond and see what triggered his nostalgia. Katie writes, "Hi Susan! 10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. Signs And Coping Tips, 15 Speed Dating Dos and Donts You Need To Know, How To Start A Conversation With A Girl: 20 Ways That Never Fail, 10 Ways To Tell Your Parents You Have A Girlfriend, Dealing With An Insecure Boyfriend? This is a possibility if you ended the relationship on good terms. By reaching out, they determine whether their ex hates them, likes them, loves them, respects them, or feels neutral about them. His best friend from high school saw me there and recognized me. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace.